I Can’t Stand It!
There should be a law against the pun.
Here I’ve been waiting for the Idaho Farm Bureau Quarterly forever and when it arrives, I get puns!
The thing you want to read in IFBQ is the jokes page. It’s called the Funnies.
At first I thought they had left the jokes out.
I looked and looked and then found it up front on pages 10 and 11 instead of back where it belongs.
That’s when I got hit with the International Pun Contest.
A pun is a play on words. In the first pun a vulture boards a plane with two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says, “Sorry, Mr. Vulture! Only one carrion!”
I shortened the joke so that you didn’t have to suffer like I did.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete barrier?
“Dam!”
An Eskimo accidentally burned up his kayak. What did that prove?
You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
One H atom tells another H atom that he has lost his electron. The second says, “Are you sure?”
The first H atom says, “I’m positive.”
Even with my years of chemistry, this joke did not turn me on.
A Buddhist refuses Novocain during a root canal. What is his object?
To transcend dental medication.
Chest players are boasting in the lobby of a hotel and the manager boots them out. Why”
He said, “I can’t have chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Twins are given up for adoption, Juan in Spain and Ahmal in Egypt. Years later Juan sends his mother a picture of himself. She says to her husband, “I wish I had a picture of Ahmal.” What does her husband say?
“If you’ve seen Juan you’ve see Ahmal.”
A local florist wants to cut off the competition of competing friar florist so he sends Hugh to trash their store. What did this prove?
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Gandhi was shoeless, had calluses, ate little so he was frail, and his diet gave him bad breath. What did this make him?
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I though it was only right that you suffer with me on that last one.
Here’s a typical joke from IFBQ: An Indian comes into a café with a tethered bull buffalo. He asks for coffee, shoots the bull, and leaves the mess for the café personal to clean up. Why did he do this?
He was training for upper management. He explained: “Training for upper management position. Come in, get coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
At an international brewing convention, the CEOs order only the beer that they make. Budweiser, Bud®; Fosters, Fosters®, etc. Finally the bartender is ready for the order from the CEO of Guinness. He orders a diet Coke® with ice and lemon. The other CEOs look at him like he is crazy. One asked, “Aren’t you having a Guinness®?” What does the Guinness CEO say?
“Well, if you bleedin’ pansies aren’t drinkin’, then I’m not goin’ to drink in front of you?”
I changed that last joke, as I did the others, so that IFBQ will not sue me. Actually, they could care less. How do you think they get their jokes? Besides, I’m a member. That’s where I get my insurance.
You’ve heard the old joke about the guy at the Penn State game. An acquaintance notes that his wife is not there nor all his friends that have annual seats near him. He asks, “Where is your wife and all your friends? I didn’t think they would miss a game.” What did the man say?
“My wife died. All her friends are at the funeral.”
The IFBQ joke went like this. A hunter stands reverently when a funeral procession passes by. He gives up a great shot at a buck. His friend says, “I’ve never seen such reverence.” What does the first hunter say?
“We were married 35 years.”
Tedious as it already was, the IFBQ the Funnies gave the Blondes Year in Review.
She returned her scarf in January because it was too tight, in February got fired at the pharmacy because she couldn’t get the little bottles in the typewriter, in March she finished a “2-4 years” puzzle in three hours, in April got trapped on a stalled escalator, in May couldn’t get water into Kool-Aid® packets, in June wanted to water ski but could find no sloped lake, in July loses breast-stroke championship because other swimmers cheated by using their arms, in August got locked out of her top-down convertible in a rainstorm, in September said the capital of California is “C,” in October said M & Ms® were “too hard to peal,” in November she baked her turkey for 4 days because she weighed 114 pounds, and finally and exhaustingly in December needed to call 911 but couldn’t find the eleven button.
The last joke was better than the rest. A short version is that a minister wanted to throw all the beer in the world in the river, then all the wine in the world, and finally, all the whiskey in the world.
The closing song was Shall We Gather at the River.
What? You want to read more puns? Well, go to http://www.badpuns.com/.
There’s not all that much to do here in Idaho this time of year either.
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.aaaflagpoles.com
